I have debated with myself rather to write this particular part or not. I want this blog to depict my thoughts as they are. I see so many blessings and I wake up grateful each day for all of them. I’m writing this part so I can show you why I’m truly grateful. I would not wish my experiences on my worst enemy but would like to share them, not for sympathy, or to make anyone feel bad, because I’m also very aware that it could have been worse. I’m writing the bad so in future posts you can fully appreciate the good with me.
As I said in my first post, my life has been pretty good if you threw it in a nutshell. I love this saying, and will probably throw it in regularly, as you visit what my husband refers to as Amanda Land. Amanda Land is a great place, you will visit me there often in future posts. It’s generally a very happy place full of everything good. Totally aware that sometimes it’s not reality, but the good there is always real. Would escape there sometimes while I was sick but visit there often, now I know how vital it is to see the good in each day.
I will miss parts in this. Some I don’t want to share and some I just plain don’t have memory of. Will probably also follow with a post of how absolutely amazing my husband is, because I’m now fully aware of the blessing he is. After spending months running in between hospitals with his parents in ICU’s, both in separate hospitals at the same time. Eventually losing his mom to stomach cancer just six weeks before my diagnosis. He is a truly amazing man.
I had been feeling lousy for months at this point. With diagnosis of a bad yeast problem I had completely cut all sugar from my diet, was exercising regularly and eating only healthy food to feel better so the extreme weight loss was not a surprise to any of us. Had a bunch of pain in my abdomen and was diagnosed with fibroids. Which we would look at removal for in about three months when the doctor could fit me in. I had drawn a limited entry bull tag and was so excited to go after months of trips to hospitals and a funeral it would be a much needed break but the pain that weekend was overwhelming. The nurse practitioner told me that “yep, fibroids can really hurt”. By the end of our camping weekend to find the perfect elk, we knew something was very wrong. After an immediate doctor visit, emergency MRI, and ultrasound that resulted in even more problems, we were off to see the surgeon. I will never forget the look on his face as he described “this measures this many centimeters by this many centimeters. You are not understanding, this is the size of a bowling ball” I was a size 6 by this point. How did I have a bowling ball in my abdomen? We could not figure out what it was or where it was coming from because nothing was where it was supposed to be internally. At this point, but after a much easier surgery than anticipated, a huge feeling of relief from pain with the bowling ball removed,and a cancer free diagnosis, we were off to live another day. Yay!!!!
Got home good as gold. Not much pain even though it was a large incision. 6 weeks rest and life will be good except for this minor ear ache. By 9:00 p.m. the following day of surgery I had a golf ball size infection on one side of my face that had sealed off my jaw spreading to the other ear making it impossible to eat. But a round of antibiotics and all was good for my surgery consult a couple weeks later. Yay!!!!
Was excited for my consult. Such a huge relief from pain and the infection was pretty well cleared up with the exception I couldn’t remember much of when the infection was really bad and I was still having some trouble hearing. It was very sobering as the doctor explained, as easily as he could, with further biopsy it actually was cancer and he was referring us to an Oncologist.
As another week passed life goes on. We had just lost my mother in law to cancer that we thought was just a bad infection. With this still freshly on our minds we choose not to share this information because we didn’t want to scare anyone. Most of all our kids,6 and 8 years at the time, who had just lost their grandma to cancer.
The trip to the Oncologist revealed that the Ovarian cancer I had was not a bad kind but would need to wait a full eight weeks after the initial surgery to see if it had spread. He said that this surgery would be invasive if he did it and referred us to an Oncologist who could do it laparoscopy to reduce the impact it would have.
As we meet with the second Oncologist we were relived to find out this cancer again was not a bad one. Even if chemotherapy is needed it will work and I’ll be fine. In our 5 minute visit with him he informed us he will remove my omentum, take several biopsy’s, do a hysterectomy and go from there. If I want my other ovary out to decide because he had 5 patients coming from Wyoming that need his full attention. Sounds like no big deal compared to the huge incision they made for the last surgery right? Yay!!!!
Away to the second surgery we went. Feeling much relief knowing that this one was laparoscopy and not going to be as hard as the first surgery. My only real fear was the continuing trouble with this ear ache that the antibiotics just weren’t fully clearing up. It was a huge relief to have my family doctor have the infectious disease doctor meet us at the hospital and find no problems. It wasn’t until some small talk with the nurse as I was telling her how optimistic I was about what a good outcome we were getting, that I began to get really worried. She looked at me as if I was totally insane. As I said I did spend some time in Amanda Land through this. She looked at me and said “Hunny, this recovery will be awful. Don’t think for a minute that it won’t be.”
I awoke to the instant feeling of the worst pain imaginable, at least to date. And my leg hurt so bad!!! What did they do to my leg? The doctor popped his head in the door the next day long enough to tell us we were going home. Don’t remember the ride home however when we got there I will never forget. I’ve heard people say child birth and a bad tooth are the worst pain imaginable. Done both and neither would compare to this whatsoever. I remember not being able to talk because I was clamped so hard I was breaking my teeth. Wanted to pass out but the pain wouldn’t allow it at the same time. I don’t remember a lot of this recovery. I have minor flashes of PTSD that pop in occasionally at the most random times but very thankful for Amanda Land. Found out at follow up appointment with my first surgeon, because they were and still are great doctors, that this would be at least a six month recovery. I relearned how to hold myself up while sitting, how to manage pain, and that nerve damage to extremities can sometimes happen with invasive surgery.
I was so excited to find out chemotherapy was not needed but was slightly confused as to why I was still losing weight and felt awful. I remember that Christmas I ate as much candy and junk as possible in hopes of gaining some weight. Something I would have never dreamed being a thing, after spending most of my life desperate to loose weight.
As January approached I felt it was time to try and regain some normal. I could sit up for an hour or so on my own and was anxious to get back to work. Still not feeling great but love my job and was happy to announce I’d be going back. With my ears still bothering me I went to the family doctor to get another antibiotic. As a week went by it just got worse. I showed back up to him throwing the door open abruptly and saying “Amanda, I found it!” It was a rare infection, not seen in this area before and had been written off each time as a “contaminated sample”. I will never be able to show as much appreciation to our family doctor as he deserves for getting us through all of this.
This resulted in 21 extremely long days of IV antibiotics. It was another (Yay!!!!) when we found it, that again turned into one of the longest three weeks I’ve ever experienced. After everything my body had endured, this liquid syrup they pumped through me each day, drained almost everything I had left but also saved me.
It’s been two years of physical therapy, nightmares, doctors appointments, and struggle. But has made me appreciate every single moment to the fullest. As I look back I wouldn't wish it on anyone but am so thankful for it at the same time because without it wouldn’t see things as I do. I have people ask questions and put in their comments. It’s sometimes so hard not to spill my guts when things like “So good you didn’t have to do chemo so it wasn’t to bad” is said. I just smile and nod, because what if we would have done chemo? Would I have made it? What about the people who do? What was their experience and do I even want to know?
This was just a compressed version to give insight to everything I’m so thankful for each day. Each day is such a blessing. I hope this has helped showed you this too ❤️
